Early in Your Own Story

I was talking to my boss during our regularly scheduled check-in and he made a comment that really stuck with me. He told me I do good solid work. Work that people trust. Then he paused, he said he notices that I work and move like I am always trying to catch up.

I did not think much of it while there but during my commute home when I do most of my deep pointless thinking the comment kept replaying in my head. Not because it was wrong, but because it actually made a lot of sense. I have felt that sense of urgency for as long as I can remember. The sense that I am a step behind. I do not even think I realized I was doing it. It just felt normal, like breathing. A constant low-level pressure to keep moving, to not slow down, to not waste time, to quietly prove that I belong where I am.

The invisible clock

I think a lot of us are running or even competing against an invisible clock. You hear it in casual conversations. Someone mentions graduating college at 21. Another talks about their first real job at 23. Someone else brings up an internship overseas at 20 or traveling the world after college. Let me be clear I do not see this as bragging; they are sharing their life experiences and accomplishments. They are just telling their story. But after a while, those “standard” timelines start to feel like rules. Like there is a correct order, a right pace, a normal path. And if you did not follow it, you are late and will always be trying to catch up.

I did not finish college until I was 29. I got my master’s degree at 32. By the time I walked across that stage with my masters, some people were already a decade into their career. I was still working retail. Some were managing teams. I just landed my first office job, and it sucked so bad lol. I used to make phone calls all day and they had teams of people whose job was to monitor those calls.  Basically, a lot of the people who got their Master’s wanted it for a promotion to a higher management level or some got it just for fun. My cohort had 12 people in it. Two were literally practicing medical doctors and 3 already had a PhD. I, on the other hand, had just become the top undefeated Mortal Kombat player in my neighborhood. Random thought, I used to always dread the icebreaker question “What was your favorite country you ever visited?”. I used to always make shit up because I didn’t want to respond, “Growing up we did not really travel to other countries, because …. we were poor.”

It's like I had started late in life compared to everyone else. It’s not that they had it easier or perks, I just took a longer path to get to the race. It is easy to internalize that as failure. I sure as hell did.

“A delayed game is eventually good, but a rushed game is forever bad.” – Shigeru Miyamoto

In retrospect, starting later was not a weakness. It was a different kind of education and brings a whole new perspective people are not necessarily used to. They definitely want to hear it though.

Starting later gave me a work ethic that does not depend on mood. It gave me perspective. It made me deeply aware that nothing is guaranteed. When you do not take the normal path, you stop assuming things will work out on their own. You stop expecting doors to open just because you think you deserve it. Honestly, you probably do deserve it but that’s life. You push. You prepare. You pay attention. A lot of my work and life is just looking at situations and preparing for what I think is the most likely outcome or reaction people will have. Honestly, I have become pretty good at it because I stood on the sidelines so long.

When opportunities finally come, you do not waste them. I do not take my work for granted, not because I am afraid, but because I remember what it felt like to want stability and not have it.

“Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer.” – Javik, Mass Effect 3.

I have talked about Mass Effect several times. I have to pause and explain this for a bit. Javik is discussing the idea of honor with his team after witnessing the total extinction of his people. Like literally, his people got their shit wrecked. Having lived through a galaxy-wide genocide, he doesn’t waste time with pleasantries or getting stuck on the small bullshit things that nobody actually cares about.

When you feel behind, you stop sweating the small stuff. You do not get caught up in performative bullshit. You focus on what actually matters: results, impact, follow-through.

My work, and particularly my role, focuses on helping people. I have very little patience for fake urgency or manufactured debates. I struggle to care about arguments that exist only because people need something to argue about or need to feel “included”. Like obsessing over terminology or political correctness while entirely missing the point. Or pretending cultural battles matter more than actual human needs. People are starving. Families are struggling. Systems are broken. And we are arguing if we used the correct phrasing. I promise you the people who are really affected, who are struggling to eat, do not give a fuck if you said homeless instead of unhoused. If you do not know why this even matters, I envy you.

When you have spent time feeling behind, you learn to zoom out. You learn to ask whether something actually helps anyone. If the answer is no, you move on.

There is always a shitty side

Here is the shitty side of this. When you are always trying to catch up, you rarely feel caught up, even when things are actually good. Even when the résumé looks solid. Even when people tell you that you are doing well.

The finish line keeps moving further away. You hit a milestone and immediately look for the next one. You accomplish something and quietly wonder why it did not feel better when everyone is clapping for you. You keep thinking that once you get there, you will relax. But where exactly is there? I hope that makes sense.

I honestly do not know. I still feel it, that sense that I should be doing more, moving faster, proving something.

“You’re not behind. You’re just early in your own story.” – Ted Lasso

As I began writing this, I started to see how young this mindset begins. My daughter already knows who is faster than her, who reads better than her, and who dances better than her. She can list them without hesitation.

When I ask her who she is better than, she freezes. Blank stare and stays quiet. That breaks my heart, because I recognize it. That comparison loop starts early and is strong. It becomes the background noise of your life. Always measuring. Always ranking. Always chasing.

My job is not to convince her she is better than anyone else. My job is to make sure she knows she does not need to be. I want her to know struggle is okay. It’s not fun by any means but it’s needed and is a part of life.

You are not late

If you feel like you are catching up, you don’t need to. You are not late. You are not failing. You are living a different story.

That story may push you harder than others. It may make you work when you do not feel like it. It will keep you grounded when things get noisy. That is not a flaw. That is fuel.

To me, the work is learning when to ease off the gas. Learning that progress does not announce itself. There will be countless smaller accomplishments that are never acknowledged. Hell, most won’t even be noticed but they are real and they count.

Sometimes you already arrived and do not notice. I still struggle with that. I probably always will. Although catching up was my original goal it seems to have shifted. My goal is now becoming someone who does not quit, someone who sees through the noise, someone who shows their kids that worth is not measured against other people’s timelines.

If you are still chasing, you are not alone, trust me. And if you are wondering when you finally catch up, you might already be closer than you think.

Thank you

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Really.

If this hit something in you, sit with it for a minute. Then maybe share it with someone who feels like they are always a step behind. We are probably running the same race, just on different paths.