Setting the Right Expectations

I am not a New Year’s Resolution person. I never have been and have always gotten slightly annoyed when people ask me what my New Year’s Resolution is. Resolutions just feel so performative to me, like a promise made because motivation is high for a few days but then goes away just as quickly. Usually by February, most of them turn into jokes or even worse a deep guilt for people. So no, this is not a New Years Resolution, but it is a goal, and it is one that feels needed.

No major change ever happens overnight. Meaningful changes take time, effort, and a few mistakes along the way. That's why I see this as a goal, rather than a resolution, where the clock strikes midnight I am a brand new person. My goal is to really understand and know whether what I expect is actually helping my kids grow, or just making things harder for them.

Why Kids Should Never Feel Hard to Love

My goal is to set the right expectations for my kids. Let’s be clear, I am not saying I want to lower expectations, and I sure as hell ain’t saying to have no expectations. I just want expectations that are clear, fair, and reachable for where my kids actually are right now. Not where I think they should be compared to others or even just compared to what I want from them. I don’t know if I worded that right? I took two weeks off from this and this feels harder now. Weird.

I have to admit, sometimes when I get upset with my little ones they genuinely look confused why they are in trouble. I am sure you all have sensed that before, you are upset about something they did that clearly was a bad idea. The kids on the other hand clearly did not know they would get into trouble and are genuinely surprised. To me expectations for my kids should feel like something we are working towards together, not some silent test they do not know they are taking. Again, I am sure you have felt that odd feeling before like “Am I being tested right now?” It never feels good. Expectations should help kids grow, not make them question themselves. 

When someone misses expectations over and over, they take that in. The absolute last thing I want is for my kids to feel like they are hard to love. I never want them to feel like love is based on their behavior or only shows up when they get everything right. I do not want them to feel like they are constantly missing something they cannot see or even understand.

I feel like that is what shows up later as self-doubt, people pleasing, or even the belief that you have to earn your place in relationships. Can you imagine being a kid and having these crazy ass deep feelings but not knowing how to say them? I mean honestly, I feel like most adults still deal with this. 

When Kids Feel Like They Cannot Win

Nobody likes to feel like they cannot win. As adults, we get defensive and basically eventually stop giving a shit. For kids, I can see the frustration, anxiety, or them shutting down entirely. We have all been there, it’s frustrating as fuck. Motivation can be hard to build but can fade fast as hell.

This is not a discipline issue. It is not a willpower problem. Kids need to experience success to want to keep going. Without wins, even the most motivated kid will eventually stop giving a shit.

I have started noticing sometimes my expectations do not land the way I meant. In my head, I think I am encouraging growth and confidence, but what my kids might actually be feeling is pressure or even anxiety. Sometimes I expect them to understand something but then realize I have never clearly explained it. Other times I expect emotional/impulse control or maturity that simply is not fair for their age. Fuck, at times it is not even fair for adults including myself.

SavePoints

This is where the idea of SavePoints keeps coming back to me. In video games, SavePoints are there so progress is not lost every time you make a dumbass mistake. You lock in progress, learn from failure, and try again without starting everything over again. 

Kids need these SavePoints too. They need to know their effort counts even if the end result is not perfect or even if they made a few mistakes along the way. They need to know that one bullshit day does not erase a week of good ones. SavePoints tell kids they are still moving forward and are still loved, even when things get messy. Hell, especially when things get messy.

Sometimes I worry that to my kids, they may feel that my love needs to be earned or like is conditional in a way. It’s scary how easy it is to love your kids deeply and still create an environment where they feel like they are constantly failing. My kids notice every single sigh, pause, and the tone of my voice. Even when I try to hide it, they know.

This Pattern Shows Up a Lot

Like most of my blogs, I start writing about my kids then start looking outward. This situation can easily show up in marriages, where unspoken expectations turn into frustration. It shows up at work, we assume colleagues know what we want without fully explaining it in a way that they understand.

This is not about lowering standards for people. Relationships do not thrive on pressure alone, especially the “never good enough” feeling. To me, they thrive on clarity, trust, and shared understanding of life's bullshit.

I have always set the bar high for those around me. I expect effort, I know I do. I have always justified this by telling myself that because I hold myself to the same standards it's fair to expect just as much from others. Adding to this, I know others hold me to these same high standards so shouldn’t I do the same of them?

This year (all 6 days of it lol) I am questioning whether that logic is always fair. Just because I can carry a certain level of expectation does not mean everyone else can or should. Again, I don’t think expectations are always bad but I know capacity is not universal. What I think is reasonable expectation to me might feel like constant pressure to someone else. What I think is motivation can easily turn to resentment. 

What I Am Trying to Do Differently

With my kids, I want expectations to feel like a shared plan instead of a test. We are a team and they should always feel that. I want them to know what the win looks like before they try, not after they miss it and I’m upset.

This is uncomfortable for me. It means slowing down when my natural energy is to push. It means explaining a few times instead of assuming. It means looking at things I have done for a long time and admitting that some of them may not be helping the people I love.

As I have grown older and wiser, (I am 40 now. Can I say that yet?) I realize discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes it is a sign that something is finally changing. Believe fucking me, I am not saying I enjoy it but I am saying discomfort is needed at times.

2026

Thank you for reading. Thank you for subscribing. And thank you for being part of this.

I have posted weekly blogs for the past six months so I wanted to circle back to some older ones you may have missed. If this post landed, check out this one which goes deeper into the same concept but from a different angle.

Kids Don’t Tune Into Lectures. They Stream Replays.