What We Dislike in Others Is Often in Us Too

I’ve joked for years that the people who annoy me most are usually people just like me. The loud guy who interrupts people in conversations? I have been known to do that. The stubborn co-worker who refused to budge? Guilty. The friend who always has to be right about some random trivia fact? Definitely me.

The other day my wife was venting about a girl she can’t stand. She started listing examples of why this girl drove her nuts. I just sat there quietly because, well, the list sounded … familiar. What's funny is, I did not even have to say anything at all. My wife looked at me, threw her hands up, and said, “We are not talking about me, right now!”

We’re experts at identifying what irritates us in others, but refuse to admit when those traits belong to us also. 

Reflection (I know another annoying mirror analogy)

Most of the time, the traits that we dislike in others probably cause a reaction in us because we know we do the same. We don’t like being reminded of the parts of us we’re not proud of, or more often than not, pretend don’t exist. It’s easier to point the finger at someone else than admit, “Shit, that’s me too.”

That’s what makes introspection so hard. It’s not about whether you’re willing to change, it’s about whether you’re willing to admit you need to. Looking in the mirror is uncomfortable, especially when the reflection shows the same annoying quirks you were just complaining to someone else about. It’s humbling to realize that the people we criticize are actually very similar to us.

Think of the times you’ve judged someone for being late, knowing you have a reputation for always being late. Or when you’ve rolled your eyes at someone cutting you off mid-sentence, knowing you can easily talk through people. These little reminders sting because they force us to confront the version of ourselves we prefer not to acknowledge. 

Shadow Link

Think about video games or movies. The villain is almost always just a darker version of the hero.

• In Legend of Zelda, you literally face Shadow Link, a mirror image of the Link with the exact same moves and gear.
• The Hulk’s enemy is Abomination, basically Hulk but with even less control.
• Shang-Chi fights his dad, who has the exact same skills and power but twisted by his need for control.
• Anyone who plays fighting games knows the worst and most annoying match ups are when you both pick the same character.

This theme shows up everywhere once you start looking. Black Panther had Killmonger, a version of himself shaped by anger. Iron Man faced villains who were also inventors, but driven by greed instead of purpose. 

I mean it makes sense the hardest battles are always internal first. Before we can defeat the bad guy, we have to wrestle with the parts of ourselves that look just like him. That’s why the fight feels personal. Because it kind of is.

I Do That To

So what do we do with this thought of the week? Honestly, this one is more than a thought of the week. I have been saying this for years.  Next time you feel annoyed by someone you should ask, what about them feels familiar?

That parent at school pickup who brags too much? Maybe they’re just trying to cover their insecurities, like we all have done. The colleague who argues every point? Maybe they just want to feel heard, the same reason you sometimes push back too hard. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t excuse bad or rude behavior, but it changes it in a way. 

Upside Down World

Life, like a video game, isn’t about avoiding battles, it’s about learning from them. When we have to to face a shadow version of ourselves out in the world, it’s uncomfortable and irritating. Every annoying encounter is practice in patience, empathy, and humility. It forces us to have more self-awareness. Each time we spot our reflection in someone we don’t like, we get to decide, do we admit it or deny it? Guys, I am going to be honest, I think self awareness is what the world is missing right now. If we all could teach it and demonstrate it a little more, our world would probably just chill out a bit.

SavePoint

At the end of the day, the people I’ve disliked most always had a lot in common with me. I would've never admitted it at the time or even now to their faces.  They’ve held up mirrors I didn’t ask for and showed me the parts of myself I’d rather ignore. That’s frustrating. So the next time someone pisses you off, ask yourself; are they really the problem, or are they just reminding you of yourself?

Thanks for reading and for letting me share these reflections with you. Every week this community keeps growing, and it means more than I can say. If this post made you pause and think, I’d love it if you shared it with someone else. And if you made it this far and haven’t yet, subscribe! Wtf.