Parenting is an Escort Mission That Lasts 18 Years . . . Probably Longer

If you've ever played video games, you know an escort mission can easily ruin a good game. It can be the best game ever, you are tearing through enemies, collecting ridiculous weapons, and convincing yourself that spending 3 hours looking for slightly better gear is productive. Then some NPC walks up and says they need your help getting somewhere. An NPC (Non-Player Character) is basically a video game character controlled by the game, not a real person. You immediately know you're fucked. Because now the game isn't asking whether you can survive. It's asking whether you can keep a small underpowered dummy alive.

Developers know we hate these damn missions, too. Every few years one promises they've finally fixed the escort mission. This time the NPC will actually help you fight. It'll stay close and our dumbasses believe them. You start the mission and your NPC companion runs past you, picks up some useless bullshit, alerts 5 enemies, and gets trapped behind a door.

I've realized being a dad means we are living one giant escort mission. Except this one lasts the rest of my life, and the NPC argues with me about literally everything.

The NPC Is Supposed to Help

Video game developers always make the same promise about NPCs; they're not just someone you have to protect; they'll actually help you. They'll find ammo. They'll fight enemies. To be fair occasionally they’ll be useful but only for very very small amounts of time.

Ask a kid to help clean the living room and watch what happens. They'll pick up one Lego, find another Lego they forgot about, start building something with all the Legos, and somehow leave the room freaking messier than when they started. Ask them to find their shoes and they'll return holding a small bouncy ball they lost four months ago.

The most impressive part is how confidently kids accept missions they have absolutely no intention of completing. You can make direct eye contact, get verbal confirmation, and have them repeat the objective back to you: “Go to your room, get your socks, and come right back.” Five minutes later, you find them in their room wearing a cape with absolutely no socks anywhere in sight.

They Find Items, Just Never Useful Ones

Game makers love promising that NPCs will find useful items for the player. Kids have an interesting ability to find items also except they have completely different definitions of the words useful.

A kid can walk through a parking lot and somehow find 3 rocks, a stick, and an object you're 70% sure came from a car engine. They will bring all those dirty ass things to you. They'll expect you to carry them because their hands are full with other dirty ass shit. You left the house with a phone, wallet, and keys. Twenty minutes later you're carrying two jackets, a water bottle, a stuffed animal, somebody's half-eaten snack, and a stick you're not allowed to throw away because it's “a really good stick.” I mean, to be honest, I still get pretty happy when I find a good stick, who doesn’t?

The Pathfinding Is Completely Broken

Nothing shows bad video-game AI faster than pathfinding. You're sneaking through an enemy base and your annoying partner decides the best route is directly through the middle of the room.

Kids have the exact same pathfinding system. Take them anywhere crowded and watch them choose the least efficient possible route. You're walking straight toward the entrance; they're moving diagonally towards a stick. You turn around and they're suddenly six feet behind because they've stopped to look at a dirt clump on the sidewalk.

Dialogue Can’t Be Skipped

NPCs never shut the hell up. You're trying to kill all the aliens on a spaceship and they're telling you their entire life story. You walk away and they follow you. You trigger another mission and they're still talking.

Kids do the same. My kids can begin a story without any identifiable beginning, middle, or end. They'll start with someone from school whose name I've never heard, introduce 2 other kids, jump backwards 3 days, and then explain something else completely unrelated.  

Sometimes I attempt to speed shit up with “Oh wow” and “No way.” Apparently, that unlocks more dialogue from them.  Someday, I'll probably miss this but that’s not the focus this week.

The Side Quests Never End

The main mission sounds straightforward: keep them alive, teach them not to be assholes, and prepare them to eventually function without you. I've written before about how parenthood turns side quests into mandatory ones. Apparently, that wasn't enough so life throws in homework, birthday parties, sports, swim lessons, doctor appointments, fundraisers, annoying school theme days, Halloween costumes, and projects requiring extra supplies you will only use once.

Still a 10/10

For all the shit we give escort missions, there's a reason they keep being put in games. The good ones make the game/world feel less empty. They give you somebody to protect and laugh with/at. Gaming has somehow become one of the ways I connect with my kids, which is probably why this stupid analogy works so well for me.

If you're escorting your own tiny NPC through life, send this to another parent who understands the struggle. And if you like fatherhood, gaming, fitness, and taking completely unnecessary video game analogies way too far, subscribe at SavePointDad.com.